I got involved in this fantasy world when a friend of mine and I found a Playboy magazine in his dads desk drawer. I was probably around 8 or 9 years old at the time, but those images were burned into my mind and piqued a curiosity that I explored at any opportunity. (In a tribute to my father, I never found anything in my home that was even a little bit inappropriate- thanks Dad!)
After a few other exposures in middle and high school, it was years later in college that this pornography habit really gripped me. Strangely enough, at first I didn't even seek it out, because I was taught that it was wrong, and would have been tremendously embarrassed to go out and purchase it on my own (this was prior to an easily accessible internet). It became easily accessible, however through college roommates that had porn and thought nothing of it. One of my first memories of ‘pornography’ came from the Publishers clearing house mailings. Do you remember? They sent you a page of stickers representing magazine covers that you could stick on the order form to order your magazine of choice. Well, one of the magazines was Playboy, and ever since I could remember, I wanted to stick the playboy sticker on the form and send it in! Well, independence from home, mom, and dad allowed me to finally tear out that sticker. When I was probably around 20 years old, I got that same mailer, with the same stickers, and stuck that Playboy sticker on and purchased my first pornography-a whole 12 month subscription.
It seemed it was the normal thing to do, everyone else I knew had some sort of porn stash, and I had an easy time rationalizing it because the magazines, books, and video tapes they had were much more hardcore than anything in Playboy (and didn't even have those great articles!).
Well, long story short, this escalated, the internet came along, and my ‘dream come true’ playboy subscription turned into a secret habit that nearly destroyed my marriage. Once my habit was exposed, I had a choice to make: Pornography or my wife.
Well, I chose wisely. I attacked my pornography addiction with guns-a-blazing. I enlisted every resource, read everything I could, got professional help, spiritual guidance, and a 12 step group and went after this like a cancer that was growing inside me. I read, journaled, took notes, learned, and talked. I've been 100% pornography free since, and I’d like to use this site to take all of that knowledge and experience I've gained in my battle so that you can share in the success I've had. It’s not easy, but God willing, a porn addiction can be overcome.
While mainstream society accepts and even embraces these practices, I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong. I felt shame and guilt, and I tried many times to quit. I tried and I tried. Over and over again. I can recall two times over the years where I succeeded in abstaining for about a month, but then I would slip right back into the routine.
I felt I was the lone woman on the planet that viewed pornography. At my church they talk often to the men about the harmful effects and evils of pornography, but never to the women…which made me feel even more of a deviant. I began to have this skewed view that it was “normal” for men, but not for women. While it is certainly more prevalent with men, studies show 9 in 10 boys and 1 in 3 girls use pornography, and those statistics are steadily increasing.
One day last year, I began to realize I may be an addict. I read something that compared a bad habit to an addiction. What is the difference? A bad habit you can change on your own. An addiction is a bad habit that you can’t stop on your own and your personal willpower isn’t enough to help you overcome. I was floored when I read that. This description fit me to a T. I am an addict.
I started looking for ways to get help. I discovered support groups and 12-step programs for porn and sex addicts. I found therapists that specialized in these forms of addiction. Then I did nothing. In fact, I started delving even deeper into my addiction. This continued for a few months. Meanwhile, my whole world was coming apart. I no longer found any joy in the job I had previously loved. I dreaded going to work. As a result I started working fewer and fewer hours… which lead to making little money. I was having a hard time paying bills and rent, and finding money to buy food. I stayed up all night, slept into the afternoon and laid in bed all day watching TV… or worse. My family began remarking about my lack of joy, even going so far as to say I may be depressed. I hadn’t been to church in years. I was living in a world of darkness.
Then something happened. A friend of mine, who I had known for 15 years, was arrested in a prostitution sting. This man was a public figure, a teacher, a father, and an ecclesiastical leader. The community was shocked. I was hit over the head with a theoretical two-by-four. I didn’t want to end up like this man… so far down in the pit of my addiction that I would resort to doing things I would have never imagined I could do. Doing whatever it took to feed my addiction, and in the meantime shattering my family and disappointing those I loved.
I decided to take action. I made an appointment with the therapist. I found out when the next 12-step meeting was, and I made an appointment to meet with my ecclesiastical leader to confess. I knew that if I was to succeed this time I had to throw every possible tool of recovery at my addiction. I went in whole-hog. I quit cold-turkey. And I suffered withdrawals. I didn't sleep for about three weeks. I couldn't think. I didn't want to eat. All I did for those three weeks was pray, educate myself on addiction and recovery, and do the bare minimum to survive physically. There were moments of despair and hope, pain and joy, fear and love, and darkness and light. In the end I was stronger, more knowledgeable, lighter and above all else: clean.
From one woman to another: if you are struggling with pornography or other sexual addictions, please know that you are not alone.
To read what this woman learned from her experience and more ideas on how to overcome addiction, visit the Preventing Pornography page.
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